Men and women: why don't we understand each other?
Men and Women: Why Don't We Understand Each Other?
Between what I say and what you understand
Quick guide to avoiding collisions in the era of messages (with chat examples)
"Between
which I think,
which I mean,
which I think I say,
which say,
which you want to hear,
which you think you hear,
which you hear,
which you want to understand,
which you think you understand
and what you understand,
there is at least ten chances are that we may have difficulty communicating.
But let's try it anyway.— Bernard Werber, The Encyclopédie du savoir relatif et absolu (1993).
Why We Get Lost (Simple Version)
Face-to-face was already difficult. In chat, the key elements are missing: face, hands, and tone. That's why a spot, a emoji either three dots They can change the entire climate.
Minimal Chat Grammar (Practical Translation)
- “Okay” = agreed. “Okay.” = can be read as dry/tired.
- "Yeah…" = yes with doubt or reservation.
- “?” vs “??” = normal question vs. rush (not necessarily anger).
- “…” = suspense/irony/discomfort; better to put it into words.
- 🙃 = ambiguous (play/shyness/sarcasm depending on the person); clarify if it matters.
- 👍 = for some “perfect”, for others “cold”; add one word: “👍 great, thanks!”
- Audios: If you need to list points so that it doesn't get lost, it's no longer a "short note": better 10-minute call with time.
Paraphrasing (or “mirror-asking”): what it is and how to do it
Paraphrase (also called comprehension check) is asking for clarification by retelling in your own words what you thought you understood, and asking for confirmation. It doesn't judge, it doesn't accuse.
Useful phrases:
- “To make sure I understand you: what I understood is X“Am I doing okay?”
- “So as not to put your foot in it: Are you more concerned about cost than time??”
- "Do I understand you correctly if I say that you prefer Y to Z?”
What does “if the audio needs an index” mean?
It's very simple: if your audio is so long that you have to list points (“first…, second…, third…”) so that it doesn’t get lost, then it’s no longer a short audio. Switch to short call with a specific time.
Example: “There are several points and I don't want to make you dizzy. Shall we do it?” 10-minute call at 7:00 p.m.?”
Chat examples (real and neutral situations)
1) Proposal to go out together (without alarms)
You — 11:02: I'd like to go out together this week 😊 You — 11:02: Are you up for dinner on Wednesday at 8pm? (If not, suggest a date) He/She — 11:09: Wednesday would work for me. Should I book at X? You — 11:10: Perfect. Thanks 💫
Idea: You say what you want, when, and how. Zero ambiguity.
2) “ok” vs “ok.” (the point that cools down)
You — 12:01: I booked at 7:00 PM :) He/She — 12:02: Ok. You — 12:03: Is everything okay? That “ok.” sounded tired to me. He/She — 12:05: Yes, I’m tired. I meant “ok, thanks.” You — 12:06: Great. If it’s “fine,” “ok” or “ok, thanks” will do. He/She — 12:06: Ok, thanks 😊
Idea: One point changes the mood. If you're feeling good, soften it; if you're tired, say so.
3) “Where are you?” (hurry ≠ anger)
You — 18:20: Where are you? He/She — 18:21: Is something wrong? You — 18:22: Just in a hurry, not angry. Will you be there in 10? He/She — 18:22: In 12. I'll let you know when I arrive.
Idea: Remember that “??” indicates urgency. If there’s anger, name it.
4) Paraphrasing (asking for a mirror) in action
He/She — 16:04: That plan doesn't convince me... You — 16:06: Just to be sure: What I understood is that you are worried about the cost. Am I doing well? He/She — 4:08 PM: Yes, the cost. I prefer something simpler. You — 4:09 PM: Perfect, I'll adjust the plan and give you option B.
Idea: “What I understood is…” defuses the shock and focuses on the real issue.
5) Long audio → switch to short call
He/She — 10:02: I'm sending you a short audio… [Audio 1:58] You — 10:05: It's a few points. Should we make a 10-minute call at 7:00 PM? He/She — 10:06: I'll be there at 7:00 PM. Thank you.
Idea: If the audio needs an index, schedule a call with a time.
Anti-noise kit (short list)
- Translate your intention at the beginning: “I'm going to be brief”, “I'm in a hurry”, “I speak directly with affection”.
- Paraphrase When in doubt, ask: “What I understood is… is it true?”
- Minimal shared dictionary: “ok/ok.”, 🙃, 👍, “yes…”.
- Channel by sensitivity: Logistics → Text; Quick nuance → Short audio; Delicate coordination → Short call; Emotion/ambiguity/consequences → Coffee.
- Time: If you can't answer well, say when: "I saw it; I'll get back to you at 7 p.m."
Between what I say and what you understand there is ten filters…and now, in addition, a keyboardIt's not a lack of love; it's a lack of subtitlesThe good news: you can write them. Sometimes with a clear emoji, other times with a phrase, and the best ones, with a coffee.
English 
Español 
Français 
Italiano